A little time out of my day Vol One
Hey, Hi, Hello...
For a while, I've been looking for a place to just gather my thoughts when I find the time to. This is said space.
Today, I thought I'd talk about something heavy on both my mind and heart, growth. If you know me, you would know at the end of 2025, I had a total reset of almost all things in my life. I lost my housing, separated with my wife of almost 10 years, and two of my three adopted kids moved away with other family. At first, I couldn't feel anything, but empty at the failure. How could I have kept it all together? I didn't do enough? I'm not enough?
This passed with time and patience. However, it started something else which was discovery. In losing what was, I had to call myself in and figure out who I am without those things. Something the chaos and daily struggle made me forget to nourish. This learning and growing comes as a benefit of my newfound stability, but always lives in the shadow of the fear that it all will fall apart again. So, the risky, bold fighter I was is buried beneath intention and calculation. Intention and calculation that are tethered to fear.
Something that I am learning though is growth is not stationary and sometimes isn't stable. It brings me to the blog by Ursula K. Le Guin, In Your Spare Time, where she looks at a questionnaire that asks what you hope for the future generations and one of the options is economic stability and growth. A novel thought, but impractical especially in an economic sense. In my case, I'm learning I can't shrink down and expand at the same time. This truth is why I think I agree with Le Guin when her response to that question was you can't have both.
So, where does this bring us and me? I think we have to understand that growth much like moving on are not without motion. We cannot remain as we are while chasing something new. While I can't promise to not continue to let the fear sway me at times, I can say I will work to understand that I can move through the fear and just be.
Well, that's blog one in the books, I hope you found something here and if not I hope maybe later down the line you find something as I take a little time out of the day to talk about things on my mind.
Souza